Determining the type of relationship that you should have with your ex is important. When you have children with someone, it is going to be necessary for you to talk to them from time to time. One of the biggest struggles that you will have is not falling into the same communication patterns that led you to divorce in the first place. Falling into old habits with your ex is a dangerous game that could end up with someone being emotionally hurt when the other is not interested in pursuing things with them. There is a right way and a wrong way to communicate with your ex and you need to understand both so that you can make the right choice.
Learn to Cut Emotional Ties
Life after divorce is more than just a change on a piece of paper. You will have to learn how to cut the emotional ties that have held you together. This is the hardest part of divorce for most people. Everyone who goes through a divorce ends up in some type of emotional turmoil. This does not have to damage you. It is possible for you to come out of the relationship on top and to be able to move on with your life while having a healthy relationship with your ex.
It is likely that you went through a number of arguments and fights that led to your divorce. The key to finding a healthy relationship after divorce with your ex is to learn how to communicate without arguing. If you allow yourself to get into a fight with your ex, you are opening yourself up to feeling the same pain that you did from the fights when you were married.
Learn Where Your New Place in Life Is
Once your marriage has ended, you have to accept that. It is during this time that you have to learn how to move from a position as the spouse to a new role in your ex’s life. The biggest thing that you need to remember is that this is your ex, not someone that you are in a current emotional or physical relationship with. When you decide where your relationship should be, you will need to set clear boundaries for both your ex and yourself. By doing this, you can ensure that you will have a healthy relationship into the future.
Make Sure You Have Support
It is important for you to have support when you are recently separated from your ex. You will want to have those friends or family members that you can call on when you need emotional support. Many people do not think that they need this but find themselves drawn to their ex for this support when it inevitably becomes needed. If you have a clear idea of the support that you need ahead of time, then you will be able to lean on these friends and family and can avoid falling into an unhealthy relationship with your ex.
Set Your Own Boundaries
Think about yourself and your ex and what is best for both of you. Think about what boundaries you need and make a list. If you cannot talk to your ex when you are alone because it brings you down, then follow that rule. Also, make sure that you have things that you can discuss and clearly state the things that are off limits for the two of you to discuss. You should not discuss your current relationships or what you are doing during your personal time. If your child is not around, your activities are absolutely not the business of the other parent. If the child is present, there needs to be clear guidelines of behaviors that are acceptable and not acceptable.
Learn What Works for You
Depending on what your relationship with your ex is like, there are some things that might work for you and others that might not. There are many suggestions for how to properly engage with one another.
Communicate Through Writing/Texting – One great thing that you can do is to make sure that you are communicating through writing or texts. Doing this will help you to have proof of everything that is communicated. Plus, it can help you to keep your distance during a time that it can be easy to fall into unhealthy patterns.
Keep All Speech Respectful – It does not matter how angry you are with your ex. You need to be respectful in how you speak to them at all times.
Keep Your Home Your Space – Make sure that you have clear guidelines with your ex. They should not be randomly stopping by or hanging out in your home. Instead, they should respect the boundaries around it being your space.
Do Not Share Personal Information – It is important that you keep your private life separate from your ex. Allowing them into those parts of your life can create conflict and problems that you otherwise would not have.
Keep Your Children Out of Conversations – Anything you need to say to your ex needs to be said to your ex from you. Do not have your child be the messenger or put him/her in the middle of conversations between the two of you.
Do Not Be in Your Ex’s Life – Your ex needs to have their own life. You need to stay out of their life as much as they need to stay out of yours.
Get Support from Others – One of the most important things that you can learn is that you have to find your support in other people. Your ex cannot be a part of your support system.
Do Not Give Them Information About How You Spend Your Money – Your child support and/or alimony is your money and it is none of your ex’s business how you spend that money.
Be Friendly but Not Close to Their Family – There is no reason to be rude to your ex’s family unless they have done something directly to you. You will still need to keep your distance because almost always, blood is thicker than water.
Do Not Do Spousal Duties – You cannot act like a spouse any longer. It is important that you cut ties in the right way so that you can move forward with your relationship in a new and healthy way.
Becoming exes is a process. It is not something that is simple and often times there are no precedents to teach you how to act. Following these rules will help you to understand that there are a number of unique opportunities for you.
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